Jubilee

My friend Lee has been gone now going on two years. Everyone who loved him is learning life without him in it. I often think about those that were the closest to him—his children. There are three of them. He had two boys and a daughter. It’s my feeling and belief that they need more support in their grief over their father. The support they do have is strong and from afar. I have so many hopes for them all, specifically for Lee’s daughter, Jubilee. I put her name in this entry in the hopes that she one day “Googles” herself and finds this. Here’s what I want to tell her about her father and about Marching Fourth.

Lee wasn’t perfect. I’m sure you’ve been made aware of that. He made so many mistakes when he was a younger man. Some of it was age. Some of it was because he loved with no fear and thought that everyone else did the same. Some of it was simply bad luck and poor choices. Here is what I can tell you for sure. He learned from his mistakes and his missteps. This was all behind him when I met him, yet he still told me all about it. All of these events in Lee’s life had made him who he was—loyal, forgiving, and compassionate. Throughout all of his stories, there was one thing that always came through. He loved and wanted you and your brothers so much that I think it actually made his chest hurt. His heart couldn’t manage all of the emotion he had for you guys. He told me on several occasions, “They are my heart from my chest.” You and your brothers made him a better person. You were his reason for being a changed man. And a changed man he was.

Love...

and more love

Lee had scrimped and saved to make sure you were taken care of. I know you won’t see evidence of this. I’ve seen it, though. He had gone to great lengths to secure a future for you and your brothers. The only thing I know to tell you is that sometimes adults can only look out for themselves. Once your father wasn’t here anymore, then it was a lot more difficult to ensure that you received everything you were supposed to. My hope for you is that you have the work ethic and the determination that your father had. If you do, you will do well in life. You carry him with you. When you need that strength, you call on him. He’ll hear you.

Lee was a fierce and loyal friend to me and to my husband. As a kid, we rarely pay attention to or get a chance to see our parents with their friends. I want to share with you what your father was like as a friend. Your father loved nature and the trees. It’s why he was an arborist. He had his own business, and the trees were how he connected with people. I initially met your father through Penny. I know you remember Penny. After that initial meeting, he showed up in my front yard and gave me some advice on my very old oak trees. And, then he met my husband. My husband and your father became fast friends. Your father had a knack for what I call collecting people. He loved people, and he loved to help them.

At one point, I found out that I was very sick. Rather than ask me what he could do for me, your father just started doing things. I can remember being very ill and not being able to get out of bed. I woke up because it sounded like someone was on my roof! It was your father’s boots that I heard. He had come by and decided that my gutters needed cleaning. So, he cleaned them. He did things like this all of the time. He would take time away from his business to help others.  There was another time that he just showed up at our door with food. He had decided that we weren’t eating enough vegetables to stay healthy, so he came over with a healthy dinner to share. That was your father. Lee was fiercely loyal to so many.

I wish I had some advice for you that would solve the situation you find yourself in. No child should lose her father before she is even in double digits. I think about you a lot. I think about your brothers a lot. I wish and hope for so many things for all of you. I hope you can remember your father’s laugh. I hope you can remember how he would smile so big that his eyes almost closed. I hope you remember how much he loved Penny and what a supportive partner he was to her. That’s how boys should always treat you. Don’t forget that one. I hope you are able to feel his spirit with you when you really need it the most. I know he’s there.

My hope is that you know it’s ok to be angry. Feel it. Work through it. But don’t let it overtake you. Don’t get stuck in it. My hope is that you know it’s ok to feel heartbroken. My hope is that you can still feel how much your father loved you because I witnessed how much he did. My hope is that you know your father didn’t disappear from your life just because he isn’t physically here with you. Even if no one else in your life ever talks about him, know that it’s ok to love him and miss him. It doesn’t mean you love anyone else less. Know that there are other people who will forever miss your father. We talk about him all of the time. We will all be here for you and your brothers, if you one day decide you want to know more about Lee. My hope is that you know your father’s family and friends would love to see you and be in your life.

There is a song I listen to a lot. It reminds me of how your father talked about his relationship with you. I’m going to leave that song here for you. It's by The Avett Brothers, and it's called A Father's First Spring. Take care.