Worth

She had been in classes most of the day. As she hurried home, her mind was swirling with all of the things that needed to be done—study, cook, clean. She knew he expected a hot meal. He was going to school and held down a job, so she didn’t really mind. As she rushed around the small apartment kitchen, she decided on spaghetti. It wasn’t the greatest choice, but it would be hot. She was finishing up when she heard his key in the door. He jammed it in. Uh-oh. This was never good. She quickly set the table and brought a huge, steaming bowl of spaghetti into the alcove that served as a place to cram a small table and chairs. He was angry. She could hear it in his breathing. Spaghetti—hot and down her entire front. Humiliated. Scared. Why didn’t’ she leave? She wasn’t sure.

I know this woman. I was this woman. I wonder how she can be so smart yet stay in this situation. Maybe I don’t understand why she doesn’t just pick up and leave. Or, maybe I am uncomfortable, scared, etc. and distance myself from her. I believe these are all things her abuser counts on me doing. From my experiences, I have seen that the abuser wants to isolate the victim. It doesn’t really matter how the abuser achieves this, so long as it is achieved.

Domestic violence is dangerous for everyone involved.  Is this why some people tend to distance themselves? I don’t know. I have had several friends, some closer to me than others, who have been victims of domestic violence. What I refer to as The Spaghetti Incident did really happen to a friend of mine when I was in college. I found out because I accidentally saw some bruises on her. She then went on to tell me that it wasn’t that bad. I had no idea what to do, but I felt like I had to do something. I told one of our close, mutual friends. Then we sat. What could we do? Before too long, it became apparent to my friend’s husband that I knew. I was confronted by him and told to stay out of his business. I calmly told him that I wouldn’t. His business involved hitting his wife, and I was not going anywhere. Then, I didn’t go anywhere.

My friend would try and downplay what was happening to her. I would always correct her. It was a big deal, and it was dangerous. On the rare occasion I was around when abuse took place, I called the police. Always. The police would come, and she would say nothing happened.  Didn’t matter.  I always called. My friend and her abuser/husband moved away after graduation. I stayed in contact. Roughly 10 years after the first incident I knew about, I received a frantic call from my friend. She was finally leaving him, but he wasn’t going to make it easy. It involved possibly losing her child (which she didn’t). It involved her being falsely accused of abuse and neglect. It involved severe physical and emotional abuse that he continued to dole out. She stayed strong this time. I stood with her.

She’s free now, and I’m so proud of her. She has moved on and is living the life that I believe she wanted from the beginning. I know how hard it is to leave. I’ve been there. I did anything I could to hide it. I couldn’t hide it. I’m so grateful I couldn’t hide it. Some of my friends at the time retreated for various reasons. Some thought I caused it and should just not pick fights with him (him being the abuser). Some stood by me and were vocal. Some stood by me with silent support. I clung to all of that support.

Not too long ago, I was emailed a mugshot of my abuser. He had been booked for domestic violence against his then wife. They rarely change. I don’t like to say never, but it just may apply in these situations. I hope she got out. When we were in a relationship, I had “friends” who didn’t believe me. I’m not sure what they thought was going on, but they didn’t believe me. Do you know how desperate I am for them to believe me still? I knew how to contact one woman, and I sent her the mugshot. I never heard from her.

As I said earlier, in my experiences, the abuser wanted to isolate the victim. I went through this, and I saw it in my friend’s situation. The abuser counts on friends and family not wanting to get involved. The abuser counts on people abandoning the victim because she won’t just leave. In some situations, I’ve seen the abuser force the victim to make choices between friends and him. As a person who has been the friend in this situation, it can be hard. You get frustrated with the victim. There are times where the victim may even lash out at you. You want to retreat.  Wash your hands of it. She chose it and deserves it. But, she doesn’t. The abuser counts on you going away and/or getting angry with the victim. Isolation. That’s the goal.

Recently, I have watched this happen to an acquaintance. Because we aren’t really friends, I feel like it’s even harder to figure out what to do for her. She has started to lash out at the people who care about her. At first, I was angry with her for this. Some of these people are my close friends, and they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Then, I took a step back and my vision cleared. The abuser is behind this. He is likely pushing her to get these people out of her life. They have popped up on his radar, and they must go. The easiest thing to do is get her to do his work. I’m scared for her. This woman has some wonderful qualities. She’s artistic, creative, thoughtful, etc. He will destroy her if she doesn’t leave. It doesn’t get better.

I’m writing this because I’m upset with myself for initially wanting to be pissed at this woman. I have watched a friend go through an abusive marriage. I have been in abusive relationships and know first hand what victims go through. My response has been silence—for now. She needs to get out. Should I write a letter? An email? I just don’t know.

Any time I hear of someone going through the scariness that is an abusive relationship, it takes me back to some (not all) of my past relationships. I can look back on my teenage years and my young adult years and see that I have made some major changes in how I function in romantic relationships. With that said, I can also look back and see that some of those behaviors have seeped into friendships. I’m working on it.  I’ve let go of some people in my life that weren’t really bringing much to it. It’s been sad, but I feel like it’s a positive change for me.

My hope is that someone will read this and possibly glean something from the experiences. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, there is help.  Make sure you support people in the best ways that you can. Stay safe. March Fourth.

http://www.thehotline.org