She had
been in classes most of the day. As she hurried home, her mind was swirling
with all of the things that needed to be done—study, cook, clean. She knew he
expected a hot meal. He was going to school and held down a job, so she didn’t
really mind. As she rushed around the small apartment kitchen, she decided on
spaghetti. It wasn’t the greatest choice, but it would be hot. She was
finishing up when she heard his key in the door. He jammed it in. Uh-oh. This
was never good. She quickly set the table and brought a huge, steaming bowl of
spaghetti into the alcove that served as a place to cram a small table and
chairs. He was angry. She could hear it in his breathing. Spaghetti—hot and
down her entire front. Humiliated. Scared. Why didn’t’ she leave? She wasn’t
sure.
I know
this woman. I was this woman. I wonder how she can be so smart yet stay in this
situation. Maybe I don’t understand why she doesn’t just pick up and leave. Or,
maybe I am uncomfortable, scared, etc. and distance myself from her. I believe
these are all things her abuser counts on me doing. From my experiences, I have
seen that the abuser wants to isolate the victim. It doesn’t really matter how
the abuser achieves this, so long as it is achieved.
Domestic
violence is dangerous for everyone involved.
Is this why some people tend to distance themselves? I don’t know. I
have had several friends, some closer to me than others, who have been victims
of domestic violence. What I refer to as The Spaghetti Incident did really happen
to a friend of mine when I was in college. I found out because I accidentally saw
some bruises on her. She then went on to tell me that it wasn’t that bad. I had
no idea what to do, but I felt like I had to do something. I told one of our
close, mutual friends. Then we sat. What could we do? Before too long, it
became apparent to my friend’s husband that I knew. I was confronted by him and
told to stay out of his business. I calmly told him that I wouldn’t. His
business involved hitting his wife, and I was not going anywhere. Then, I
didn’t go anywhere.
My friend
would try and downplay what was happening to her. I would always correct her.
It was a big deal, and it was dangerous. On the rare occasion I was around when
abuse took place, I called the police. Always. The police would come, and she
would say nothing happened. Didn’t
matter. I always called. My friend and
her abuser/husband moved away after graduation. I stayed in contact. Roughly 10
years after the first incident I knew about, I received a frantic call from my
friend. She was finally leaving him, but he wasn’t going to make it easy. It
involved possibly losing her child (which she didn’t). It involved her being
falsely accused of abuse and neglect. It involved severe physical and emotional
abuse that he continued to dole out. She stayed strong this time. I stood with
her.
She’s
free now, and I’m so proud of her. She has moved on and is living the life that
I believe she wanted from the beginning. I know how hard it is to leave. I’ve
been there. I did anything I could to hide it. I couldn’t hide it. I’m so
grateful I couldn’t hide it. Some of my friends at the time retreated for
various reasons. Some thought I caused it and should just not pick fights with
him (him being the abuser). Some stood by me and were vocal. Some stood by me
with silent support. I clung to all of that support.
Not too
long ago, I was emailed a mugshot of my abuser. He had been booked for domestic
violence against his then wife. They rarely change. I don’t like to say never,
but it just may apply in these situations. I hope she got out. When we were in
a relationship, I had “friends” who didn’t believe me. I’m not sure what they
thought was going on, but they didn’t believe me. Do you know how desperate I
am for them to believe me still? I knew how to contact one woman, and I sent
her the mugshot. I never heard from her.
As I said
earlier, in my experiences, the abuser wanted to isolate the victim. I went
through this, and I saw it in my friend’s situation. The abuser counts on
friends and family not wanting to get involved. The abuser counts on people
abandoning the victim because she won’t just leave. In some situations, I’ve
seen the abuser force the victim to make choices between friends and him. As a
person who has been the friend in this situation, it can be hard. You get
frustrated with the victim. There are times where the victim may even lash out
at you. You want to retreat. Wash your
hands of it. She chose it and deserves it. But, she doesn’t. The abuser counts
on you going away and/or getting angry with the victim. Isolation. That’s the
goal.
Recently,
I have watched this happen to an acquaintance. Because we aren’t really
friends, I feel like it’s even harder to figure out what to do for her. She has
started to lash out at the people who care about her. At first, I was angry with
her for this. Some of these people are my close friends, and they don’t deserve
that kind of treatment. Then, I took a step back and my vision cleared. The
abuser is behind this. He is likely pushing her to get these people out of her
life. They have popped up on his radar, and they must go. The easiest thing to
do is get her to do his work. I’m scared for her. This woman has some wonderful
qualities. She’s artistic, creative, thoughtful, etc. He will destroy her if
she doesn’t leave. It doesn’t get better.
I’m
writing this because I’m upset with myself for initially wanting to be pissed
at this woman. I have watched a friend go through an abusive marriage. I have
been in abusive relationships and know first hand what victims go through. My
response has been silence—for now. She needs to get out. Should I write a
letter? An email? I just don’t know.
Any time
I hear of someone going through the scariness that is an abusive relationship,
it takes me back to some (not all) of my past relationships. I can look back on
my teenage years and my young adult years and see that I have made some major
changes in how I function in romantic relationships. With that said, I can also
look back and see that some of those behaviors have seeped into friendships.
I’m working on it. I’ve let go of some
people in my life that weren’t really bringing much to it. It’s been sad, but I
feel like it’s a positive change for me.
My hope
is that someone will read this and possibly glean something from the
experiences. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, there
is help. Make sure you support people in
the best ways that you can. Stay safe. March Fourth.
