April 16, 2013

"Katy, I need you.  Can you get to me?"  This is what I heard when I picked up my office phone on April 16, 2013 before lunch.  I didn't know it at the the time, but I had lost my friend.  My husband had lost his friend.  Penny had lost the future she was planning.  I arrived on the scene, and I can't even describe what I felt or what I saw.  Well, I could describe it.  A year later, and I just still can't seem to share it with anyone.  This day changed a lot of lives, but I can only share how it changed mine.

Lee

Lee was a lot of things.  He was a father to three children.  He used to tell me, "Katy, they are my heart from my body."  He was a stepfather to Penny's child.  He was a fierce and loyal friend to my husband.  He was my long lost brother.  He was Penny's new beginning--her love--her heart from her body.

I like to try and remember him like he is here.  He loved nature and the trees.  He died doing what he loved.  He died with the trees.  When I think about him, I find myself shaking my head and saying, "God damn it, Lee!  What the hell were you doing up there?"  I know there isn't an answer.

I've watched Penny this last year.  She wakes up each morning.  She puts one foot in front of the other.  What else can she do?  I try to be to her what Lee would be to my husband.  I know if the roles were reversed, Lee would do whatever it took to help my husband.  Sounds like lip service.  It's not.

I would like to say I don't take life so seriously anymore.  I do, though.  I try very hard not to.  When I allow myself to get too bogged down, I look at his grin and remember.  I remember to live.  I remember to love.  I remember to tell people how I feel about them.


We celebrated Lee with music and good beer this past weekend.  It's what we did together.  We celebrated.  We were happy.  There is an Avett Brothers song with a line in it that sums up how I feel.  "Hurts so bad.  More than I expected that it would.  Worse than that.  It seems to be lasting just a little longer than it should."  It hurts so bad to watch those I love suffer.  I wish I could put Lee into better words than I have.  It's hard.  I think I'm too close.  Maybe one day.

I don't March Fourth through this tragedy.  I'm stuck.  I think we are all going to have to find that melody alone.